Giving Birth to My Next Dancing Star

"You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star."

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

I woke up this morning after a very restless and unsatisfying night's sleep, remembering something I'd read in a parenting book 30 years ago.

According to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, when a toddler has fitful and restless sleep it usually has to do with a growth spurt, and not just a physical growth spurt but also a cognitive growth spurt.

You see, during the day the child is experiencing so many new things, having relationships, learning new ideas, and stretching to grasp and learn new concepts and possibilities. And at night all of those pieces float around, integrating and assimilating, causing unsettled slumber.

When my babies were tiny that made so much sense.

And this morning, when I finally dragged myself out of bed, it made sense to me today, too.

I am in a giant growth spurt and―oof―I'm feeling it at night!

You see, I'm in a liminal, in-between space again and it is stretching me in many directions, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and cognitively. I'm giving birth to a new dancing star...ME!

Transitions!

I feel like I've been in one colossal transition for the past five years.

Coming out to myself.
Coming out to my family, friends and communities.
Leaving my marriage.
Moving.
Exploring my new queer self.
Getting into ― and caught in ― and stuck in ― a very difficult relationship ― my first BQR (Big Queer Relationship).
Moving.
Ending said BQR!
Moving.
Growing my business.
Finding My Person, falling in love...and...
Moving.

(Oh, and don't forget there was/is a pandemic in there for good measure!)

Yes. I am AGAIN packing up my art supplies, my books, my precious stuff...and moving to Chico in two weeks, to live with Mary...my love, My Person.

This is a lot.

Here are some words that come to mind: beginning, ending, joy, excitement, fear, grief, letting go, roots, explore, discover, goodbye, hello, communication, truth, love, and transition, transition, transition.

Just like when my children were littles, I am learning, learning, learning so much about myself in this moment.

Let me just say that finding your person and the safest and most loving and fulfilling relationship you've ever had and MERGING your life with that person when you're in your 60's is nothing like when you were in your 20's.

Mary and I take nothing for granted. And we talk about every little thing. And stuff comes up. And we address it. And feel all the feelings. And check in with each other. And apologize.

I've never had a relationship like this and it's incredible.

And it's hard work, but the good kind of hard work. As Nietzsche says, "You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star."

My next chapter in Chico and with Mary is that dancing star. In the middle of the night my body-mind-spirit feels the chaos within...processing it all.

All this to say...transitions are hard and a big part of life and I wouldn't trade it in for anything, but I really want to sleep again!