I Made a Brave Move

Last year I decided to do something I'd never done before, something vastly outside my comfort zone.

I booked a boudoir photo shoot with a local Chico photographer whose work I admired.

I told myself it was a gift for Mary's birthday. And a gift for myself.

I told myself that it was now or never.

I told myself that at this moment when I weigh more than ever, when my body is betraying me with random pains and mysterious ailments, when I have more gray hairs and wrinkles and am less flexible and more forgetful than I've ever been... that this was THE time to lean out of my comfort zone and into a courageous act.

Despite all the work I've done over the years shedding my negative narratives about my body, those mean and judgy voices had come back to haunt me, LOUDLY. Despite coming out of the closet at age 56 and feeling more in my body than I had ever felt previously, I also found myself struggling ― at 63 ― with self-acceptance. And it felt horrible.

So I made a decision. I decided to believe that I am in fact beautiful inside and out.

And I decided to prove it to myself in photographs.

It was a leap...of faith and courage. Doing a boudoir shoot is a risky endeavor if only because it is you and another person with a camera and you are not wearing a lot of clothes. It can be uncomfortable getting your photo taken in the easiest and most predictable of situations, fully clothed. But a boudoir shoot when you're feeling self-conscious and not particularly sexy is something else.

I knew I would need to be in a brave mindset. I knew I would need to wear my courage like Wonder Woman wears her Bracelets of Submission. (LOL)

Kylie put me at ease immediately. The time flew by as she clicked away and I found that my self-consciousness took a backseat as I my courage muscles grew stronger.

And when I returned a few days later to look at the 93 photos from my shoot, I cried.

What I didn't know was that stripping off my clothes, donning my favorite lacy bits, letting a makeup artist work her magic, and letting a talented photographer take my picture would actually give me something you just can't find in Wonder Woman's closet. Something more important.

What I hadn't realized was that that photoshoot was a love letter to myself. A love letter that was long overdue.

Turns out that this brave move was actually all about loving myself. And of course that's the bravest thing I could ever do.