This is a Story About Transformation

This is a story about courage.

This is a story about coming into the light.

This is a story about healing into one’s authentic truth.

When I began art journaling many years ago I did it for my personal healing. I was in the thick of some personal friendship drama and it was causing me much distress. I also had a kid with serious medical issues. And I was almost 20 years into my marriage. You can say I had a lot of emotions.

These thoughts and emotions were swirling around near the surface. They were churning down below. They occupied my every waking hour. I needed relief.

One day I cleaned off a surface, pulled out some paints, foam stamps and a pen and I dove in. Color, words, visual texture. It was such a relief to get it off my chest. Out of my heart. It was healing right from the start.

I began coming to my journal nearly every day. Out poured the words and colors and emotions. There seemed to be nothing else like it in my life. It was a type of catharsis I was truly needing. Quickly, I became addicted to this form of personal expression.

But that’s not the reason I’m telling you this story.

Something else came out that year as I was journaling. It was a truth that was living deep, deep inside me. It was shame and guilt and longing and so much more. But it was something I felt I couldn’t tell anyone, so it hid inside me.

Until I had my art journal practice in motion.

And then one day this question fell onto my page: “Does anyone really know who I am? Do I? Do I know who I am?”

The next day this came pouring out: “I fear to unveil my heart.”

You see, inside me was a knowing that I was not all I appeared. For years I’d been harboring a longing and an attraction to women. It felt bigger than just a curiosity. It felt like a pull that I couldn’t deny. And yet, there I was, married to a wonderful man, our marriage strong and loving. Three kids. House in the country. My life was fairly idyllic, at least from the outside.

But on the inside I was feeling tortured. I had health issues that wouldn’t abate. I was feeling tremendously conflicted. But mostly, I felt that this apparent insight into myself was terribly inconvenient and it caused me huge anguish. What was I to do with these feelings and thoughts?

Nothing.

Nothing seemed like the right course. Deny it. Bury it. Ignore it. Don’t upset the apple cart. Don’t blow up your life.

I tried. Really I did.

One way to alleviate the self-torture was to art journal. Pages started to show up in my journals that alluded, somewhat clandestinely, to my questions and pain. I knew what they were about, but I didn’t share that with anyone else.

Eventually I did tell my husband, Mark, about my thoughts. He encouraged me to explore them, confident in our marriage’s strength and stability. I didn’t feel that was safe. So I did nothing.

A few years ago, these feelings were not gone, only stronger. I shared that with Mark. He, still supportive and loving me, again encouraged me to explore them, even explore a relationship with a woman. I thought he was crazy. How could I do anything like that without blowing up our life that was nearing 30 years together?

Still I did nothing.

Except art journal. Throughout those years I art journaled about my feelings, my questions, my discomfort and struggle. Some of those pages were about our marriage. Sometimes they were about my desire to transform my longing into something better for our marriage. Sometimes they were about the voices in my head that wouldn’t stop reminding me that I had a part of myself untended and ignored.

And then one day a woman came into my life and our meeting was so charged with energy that I couldn’t deny that I needed to follow the trail and explore this hidden part of myself.

I call her my catalyst.

That was a year ago, Winter Solstice. She was only in my life for the briefest of moments. But the impact of our meeting is this: 2019 was the unfolding of Susie Miller. A transformation began last January that continues to today with significant life upheaval, highs and lows, and phenomenal awakenings unfurling all the time.

And so much is now shifting. My marriage is ending, in the most loving way possible. We are selling our home. I’m moving out. I’ve had a few relationships this year. It’s been a true awakening of self. I have been the caterpillar, the goo inside the chrysalis, and, soon enough, I believe I’ll be the butterfly as well. I am grateful beyond any words for my art journaling practice. I have been art journaling the heck out of this experience. My pages tell the story of my rebirth and the shattering of one life in order to live my authentic truth.

Usually I art journal throughout the year in a variety of journals. They’re not chronological or thematic. But last January I started a journal of my coming out journey and I’ve stuck to it. Few other pages came into being this past year, this story taking up all the air space for me. On December 29, 2019 I finished the final page of the fourth journal. I’m now into my fifth book. A new year, a new quarter, a new book.

I hope one day to publish many of these pages. I know my story (which, by the way is not that unusual…you can read about women coming out late in life here, here and here, if you’re interested) will touch many hearts and help many people.

My transformation is not over yet. 2019 was a huge year of transformation for me, but 2020 will also be big. And I continue to turn to this process of getting out of my head, getting into my heart and getting that onto the page. It is the creative process as healing force.

If you’ve read this far, I thank you for witnessing me.

If you’re interested in doing some transformational work of your own, head over to see what classes, playshops, retreats, or coaching programs peak your interest. I would love to share my love of creative self-expression with you.

And here’s one more thing: Don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid. Fear held me back for so long, keeping me from trusting that living my truth mattered. But I can tell you that it does matter. Life is not linear and love is not linear and who we love and who we are is fluid and can grow and change. Don’t be afraid. Whatever it is you’re struggling with. Trust the voices inside you and trust your heart.

I love you. Thank you for being here.